Overall, very nice job Ryan. I enjoyed reading your piece. It even made feel tense while reading it. I really like how descriptive you are throughout your piece and how you extend something that could be seen as simple like a pitch, to a full detailed paragraph. I also liked how you write about everything you saw, and everything you were feeling during each specific moment. This was very helpful in order to imagine each scene. I really like your line that is describing your position after you slipped on the gravel, "I was about as parallel to the ground as one could get on two feet." This line made me chuckle. Lastly I also liked the suspense your last moment gives because it wasn't predictable if you were going to definitely be safe or definitely be out.
Georgia, I really enjoyed reading your piece. I think that you did a fantastic job bringing this little mini story to life, and you gave it good humor and dynamic personality. I love how in the first line, you really set up the story by implying that the waitress through whose eyes the story is told is a "silent ghost behind an apron and a pot of coffee." This proved to be quite true, for the customers are almost totally oblivious to her presence—except, of course, when they want something. I love the little witty bits that you stuck in there, as well as the Gilmore Girls reference. Your last line is very conclusive and satisfying, and really brings the story to an end in a simple and elegant way.
I really enjoyed your piece. You nailed the storyline and even added in the thought of competition. You had very vivid imagery, which made like a movie through my mind as I read it. It has also kind of humerus, and of the Gilmore Girls reference was the best part. There were a few typos, but nothing major. Overall avery good piece.
I loved your piece, Georgia. I especially liked the Gilmore Girls reference and being able to picture Luke's Diner and his customers vs. your experience with your customers. I too thought the way you constructed the character of the waitress was very interesting. As Emily said, the waitress represents a set of eyes in the diner not to be noticed, and only bothered to refill somebody's coffee. You had a pretty broad range of language in this piece, I thought. Some parts had civilized language, and some parts were humorous, quoting banter of the customers. It was very fun to create a picture of your story in my mind as I read your piece. Despite it being quite short, you were able to create a whole story.
Wow Frank, that was very good. I liked how throughout your poem, you were very descriptive, describing emotions and sensations that you experience or associate with black. One line in particular that I really like was, "Black awakens my darkest thoughts that my soul tries so hard to forget". I thought that that was a very well put together phrase, it sounded very professional if you will. I also really like the message of that sentence, it was like your brain was trying to forget something or put it in the past, but seeing this color black was almost like a trigger that just set off a whole slew of sub-conscious, impulsive feelings or behaviors that boiled over. Your closing line is also a very powerful one, giving the reader a heavy sense of weight to the moment.
Macy this was so amazing. It was all so true and was really you. I loved how creative you got throughout the whole piece. Especially with the more complex words, making your whole piece even better and more interesting. As I read this piece it was basically just explaining you. I admired that, and how you could create this image in my head that reminded me of you so much. It was very well done. My two favorite parts were your opening sentence and your closing sentences. The first because you had so much detail packed into this one sentence and it really set the mood and image for your whole piece. My second because of how you strictly explained that healthy foods were bad and would make you get into worse shape than unhealthy foods would. Overall I loved it and I'm still very impressed that you found a way to describe this sensation and describe yourself. Well done!
Enosburg
ReplyDeletehttps://youngwritersproject.org/node/17984
Overall, very nice job Ryan. I enjoyed reading your piece. It even made feel tense while reading it. I really like how descriptive you are throughout your piece and how you extend something that could be seen as simple like a pitch, to a full detailed paragraph. I also liked how you write about everything you saw, and everything you were feeling during each specific moment. This was very helpful in order to imagine each scene. I really like your line that is describing your position after you slipped on the gravel, "I was about as parallel to the ground as one could get on two feet." This line made me chuckle. Lastly I also liked the suspense your last moment gives because it wasn't predictable if you were going to definitely be safe or definitely be out.
DeleteThe Regulars
ReplyDeletehttps://youngwritersproject.org/node/18044
Georgia,
DeleteI really enjoyed reading your piece. I think that you did a fantastic job bringing this little mini story to life, and you gave it good humor and dynamic personality. I love how in the first line, you really set up the story by implying that the waitress through whose eyes the story is told is a "silent ghost behind an apron and a pot of coffee." This proved to be quite true, for the customers are almost totally oblivious to her presence—except, of course, when they want something. I love the little witty bits that you stuck in there, as well as the Gilmore Girls reference. Your last line is very conclusive and satisfying, and really brings the story to an end in a simple and elegant way.
I really enjoyed your piece. You nailed the storyline and even added in the thought of competition. You had very vivid imagery, which made like a movie through my mind as I read it. It has also kind of humerus, and of the Gilmore Girls reference was the best part. There were a few typos, but nothing major. Overall avery good piece.
DeleteI loved your piece, Georgia. I especially liked the Gilmore Girls reference and being able to picture Luke's Diner and his customers vs. your experience with your customers. I too thought the way you constructed the character of the waitress was very interesting. As Emily said, the waitress represents a set of eyes in the diner not to be noticed, and only bothered to refill somebody's coffee. You had a pretty broad range of language in this piece, I thought. Some parts had civilized language, and some parts were humorous, quoting banter of the customers. It was very fun to create a picture of your story in my mind as I read your piece. Despite it being quite short, you were able to create a whole story.
DeleteGiving You Up
ReplyDeletehttps://youngwritersproject.org/node/18138
One Stormy Eve
ReplyDeletehttps://youngwritersproject.org/node/18162
Black
ReplyDeletehttps://youngwritersproject.org/node/18166
Wow Frank, that was very good. I liked how throughout your poem, you were very descriptive, describing emotions and sensations that you experience or associate with black. One line in particular that I really like was, "Black awakens my darkest thoughts that my soul tries so hard to forget". I thought that that was a very well put together phrase, it sounded very professional if you will. I also really like the message of that sentence, it was like your brain was trying to forget something or put it in the past, but seeing this color black was almost like a trigger that just set off a whole slew of sub-conscious, impulsive feelings or behaviors that boiled over. Your closing line is also a very powerful one, giving the reader a heavy sense of weight to the moment.
DeleteLovely Dead Things
ReplyDeletehttps://youngwritersproject.org/node/18218
Superfood
ReplyDeletehttps://youngwritersproject.org/node/18139
Macy this was so amazing. It was all so true and was really you. I loved how creative you got throughout the whole piece. Especially with the more complex words, making your whole piece even better and more interesting. As I read this piece it was basically just explaining you. I admired that, and how you could create this image in my head that reminded me of you so much. It was very well done. My two favorite parts were your opening sentence and your closing sentences. The first because you had so much detail packed into this one sentence and it really set the mood and image for your whole piece. My second because of how you strictly explained that healthy foods were bad and would make you get into worse shape than unhealthy foods would. Overall I loved it and I'm still very impressed that you found a way to describe this sensation and describe yourself. Well done!
DeleteBlizzard
ReplyDeletehttps://youngwritersproject.org/node/18128